Tuesday, 28 March 2017

More

Salam and hi everyone.

I'm feeling a bit down right now. Because I'm broke.

I was late to work today. My first day of being late and I'm unsatisfied with myself for this achievement of tardiness. It's actually the second day I'm late because I'm late on my first day. Hehehe. But I think I did well. It's only my third week and I'm late on the third one. So. yeay!

Some people don't understand what I'm going through right now. I have to commute from my house to work every day. Everyone does it right? But the distance is 35 km. It's taking a toll on me, physically. Not only I'm mentally tired, I'm physically tired too now. The problem with my back is not helping either. Half of my allowance will be spend on the road. What with the fuel price kept increasing and what not. With me having to go for bone adjustment just.... I'm just sad.


I am sad that I am broke. I don't like relying on people so I suffer in silence and having this blog helps in some way because last night for the first time ever in my life, I realized and fully acknowledged (I think) that I have absolutely no one I can talk to. Talking about what and how I feel to someone is.. to me it's wasting my time. I want more. No one can give me more. I can't describe more into words. But people can't give it to me and I know it. So I refuse to let down the walls surrounding myself.

Some people might read this and say how ungrateful I am. Maybe you will think that too. Some would say I demand too much from a person too.. I guess yeah.

Wanna know why I want it so much? Because I know I can. I can go the extra miles to love someone. I know exactly what people need from me. But I'm not gonna give myself away for people to treat me like trash they can discard. I'm too good for that. And I know it.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm certain that I'm not the only one. To hell with people assuming things they don't know about me. I wish I'm living the life they assumed I live. I wish I can go to a bookstore and not just stare at the books I wish I can afford because one book would cost me RM40 minimum but I can't because that's almost 4 days worth of lunch money. I wish I don't have to just look at my favorite brands' website every day and jot it down the ones I like so I can compare each of them and decide which is worth buying and save it in my list of things to buy next month in case I have the extra money to spend on it.

It's a lot nicer if I am actually 'rich' like people say/thinks I am. 

But I'm broke guys. I hope in 10 years I'll be rich (not famous of course) af that I can buy all the blouses from Calaqisya that I wanted for so long.

But first. Patience. The key to everything.

Sorry for the long rant. Till then.

May peace be upon you.

Monday, 20 March 2017

Internship + Bone Problems

Salam.

Hi, it's me again! *waves frantically

It's already the second week of my internship. So I think it's suffice to say how much I like it here. Lol. It's cool here. There aren't that many samples so it's not busy. It's so flexible here like you can eat any time you want (don't push it though. Never go too far when you're temporary). My supervisor is so nice to me that I have no idea what I did do deserve her. They have basically everything in the pantry, they have Coway so I don't have to buy any mineral water at the store (I'm broke, I need to save as much as I can).

My only problem here is everyone is too friendly. They are really nice. I'm not being sarcastic. They are genuinely nice and I have no idea how to react to it. I'm not nice, well I am a bit. But I'm sure as hell am not friendly. I like my space and I like being alone and pathetic. Not because I don't have my own people, I chose to be the way I am because I genuinely like it. That and the fact that I take a lot of time to open up to people. *sigh

I guess it's too early to make judgement. But so far I'm doing okay. It's a dream to be here. I basically have nothing to do most of the time and it makes me crazy sometimes but I'm grateful anyways.

Oh and remember that accident where I landed head first in a not so funny way at Jump Street? It's taking a toll on my body and it made me visit the chiropractor last week. I will have to do an X-Ray first to clearly visualized where exactly is the injured area causing me all these excruciating pain but based on the doctor's physical examination, my lower back bone has shifted to the left. :') 

I've been assigned to Dr Deon who is super nice by the way. Though, I'm pretty sure he thought I was still in school. He can't do anything yet until he has seen the X-Ray which I'm planning to get it done by this weekend. It will take me a very long train ride to the hospital but I rather do that than drive my way there. Driving almost everyday to come to work all the way from KL to Serdang is not easy. It takes time, energy and money. Yup. Definitely money. The root of all problems. Not sure how I'm going to survive with 700 per month of Mara money for 4 months going back and forth but I'll manage somehow.

If people don't think I'm independent enough by now, I'm gonna punch them straight in the face.

Sorry about that. Being older each year makes me emotional.

Till then. May peace be upon you.

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

As Usual, All Over the Place

Salam.

I took a long break didn't I? Hahahaha. I started my internship already, currently on day three. Most of the staffs here are currently at a seminar and I didn't have, wait no, I already did all of the things my supervisor asked me to do this morning and that is why I am typing this out right now on ger computer because I have no idea what to do and I'm afraid of falling asleep. I kind of envy my friends who are doing their internship in a hospital/ private labs, they all seem so busy all the time. 

But I like it here. They don't look at me weird and they are super-friendly (I have no idea how to react to this friendliness beings being the way I am of course). Tsk, it's only day three, I'm sure there is more to come in this coming 3 months. Plus, I have no idea whether I'll have the chance to go back home on this year's Eid or not. :') 

Health-wise. Physically, not Ok. Remember that fall at Jump Street? It got worse. I can feel all my limbs being sore for no practical reasons (I don't exercise because.. I just don't.) especially my lower back and my neck. Hurts like hell sometimes but there is nothing much I can do. The pain keeps intensifying as the day passes so my mother asked me to visit the chiropractor she's been visiting. I already scheduled an appointment this coming Saturday and I must say I'm pretty nervous. I do hope an x-ray won't cost much. I'm pretty much broke all the time.

There is so much I can tell here. I don't even know where to start. Whether I should start. I survived my last semester of my degree. I was so happy about it that I didn't tell it to anyone. Sad, isn't it? I don't feel like I have anyone at the moment. It's like I finally realized that I absolutely have no one now. I am completely alone and I'm way past being terrified about it. 

People should start having empathy instead of sympathy. I hate sympathy the most. I hate it so much. I just hope I'll find someone with the same level of empathy as me. So far, I have found none. The ones who lack it are abundant. The ones who have it are so hidden it's hard to trace it. Including me. You can't express how you feel these days, people judge and jump to conclusion so easily. They don't listen to what you're saying, they just want something to criticize.

I hope whatever's coming.. will not make the push that will finally make me fall down the edge. 

Well, that was long enough. I have to get back to Google-ing whatever that is interesting to kill this boredom. I can't really download much since I'm afraid they will trace it. But they do have a faster internet speed than my college's. Which is of course the bomb! I just started watching Goblin. And omg Gong Yoo is an absolute bae. He was my main bae before Taecyeon. Huhuhu

K K. really have to go. Will do this more often (but not that often I presume) if I got the time.

P.S. Yasmin Mogahed's is coming next month and I already bought a ticket. XD I'm gonna make sure I go this time round. :)

May peace be upon you.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Over-Sharing

Salam..

There are so many things going on in my head right now. I haven't slept. For good though, I'm trying to adjust my biology clock, so I'm a bit high right now. If you're accustomed to frequently not sleeping, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I just want to say things I don't normally get to say in real life because something is wrong with me. Okay.

First, I think I failed my Immunology paper. I am convinced of it even. That I can't even hope to pass. But like my best friend always say, miracles happen. 

Second, I'm a miserable human being. As if I haven't established that before. It has gotten worse and I didn't tell it to anyone. I did horrible things in the past, I guess being miserable is just payback for what I did. Embracing it while having a nervous breakdown occasionally is still okay guess.. I'm still here aren't I.

Third, my heart broke in a way that I don't know how to fix it. So I ignore it when I can, that I eventually forgot about it. So I have nightmares now. Whatever, I'm still ignoring it.

Fourth, I'm scared. I don't know how to feel anymore. Scared, is a feeling right. That's the only feeling I can feel these days. I forgot how to love, how to.. well, to feel in general. Sometimes, I pretend to laugh along with my friends when actually I don't feel anything.

Fifth, I hate people. I don't want to talk to anyone. It makes me uncomfortable and my words always come out tangled. My god, I even forgot how to 'human'. Going out, eating out especially ordering food makes me anxious. 


There. 5 things nobody knew. 5 things I kept to myself.
If you knew me in person and you read this, if somehow you'll find it confusing, disturbing, weird. It's okay. It's okay to think that. The reason I don't talk about it with anyone is not that I don't have anyone. I do have my circle of people but I have problems sharing this part of me with them. Nobody likes a sad miserable person. Nobody.

The exhaustion is finally getting to me. I need sleep. 
I'm driving back home to Kedah one of these days. I just need to sort myself out first before going back. I need to be okay to go back. *sigh

I'll try to write more often.

Monday, 26 December 2016

E

Salam.

How are you? I'm fine. If anyone's wondering. 

I'm supposed to be studying for tomorrow's (a few more hours to be honest) exam but I'm just not in the mood. I can't wait for all of this to be over. 

I am lost. I can't go into details what I meant by lost. To describe my feelings and where I am right now, that's the word, lost. I've come so far to give up right now but I just lost all my motivation and determination along the way. Only a few weeks left to finish this semester. That will mark the end of my degree. 

I don't feel anything. Towards everything. I no longer love the person I loved before. I no longer feel passionate about the things I'm usually passionate about. I feel nothing. 

I do think I deserved it though. This emptiness that resonates deep in my soul. 


Pray for me. Pray that this emptiness will soon fade away and filled with something much more beautiful things instead of endless agony and pain from past failures.

I hope this emptiness somehow help me in my presentation next week. I don't need my anxiety making a comeback. -_- 

Bye.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

What I've Been Up To + Some Drama Reviews

Salam.

Living. That's what I've been doing.

I managed to survive a few episodes of depression. Feeling like a warrior at this point to be honest. I don't know how the hell I'm keeping it together but I am. For now. Since I'm now old and wise (LOL), I like to spend my time contemplating how my life has been, what is to come, how I'm going to deal with it etc.

Oh since my classes is only 1 day per week, I got loads of free time. Well not really since I need to finish my final year project but I do enjoy the lack of classes. I spend most of my time catching up on the latest korean dramas. What? You think they're lame? I don't freaking care. I like it and it's too bad you're so judgemental. You're missing out big time.

For those who do watch them. Please don't lump me with those obsessive netizens or whatever it is the term is. I'm not really into Kpop and all that. I have already passed that phase when I was 15. Now, I don't even know the name of the current idol. I'm old guys. =_=

I watched a lot of movies and dramas to be honest. So here are some of it. If you're not into it, what the hell are you still doing here anyway?

First of, this one makes me go crazy every week. PLEASE WATCH IT.


Scarlet Heart: Ryeo. Now I'm not into period dramas mind you. I watched it because I had nothing better to do and the first episode got me hooked like I'm on ecstasy. It's not that it got tonnes of good looking casts. It's the story line. I'm a sucker for true love and this one is just how I imagined it would be.  The last episode was aired yesterday and I still cannot move on from it. It was that good. If you're into happy endings and lovey dovey all the way kind of films then this might not be for you. I like how it depicts betrayal, love, how hard it is to be with someone etc realistically. Plus, the main actor's hair reminded me of my hair in those karate days. *sigh It's exactly the same. HAHA. I saw a comment saying that this drama showed how in a world supposedly ruled by men, it was actually the women who runs the show. Well, something along those lines. I'm still heartbroken because of this drama but Wang So and Hae Soo will forever be my most favorite couple. W

OMEN RUN THE SHOW
Second is W. Yes. That is the title. Just one alphabet.


A woman got dragged into a comic book where she met the main character of the said comic book and fell in love. I watched it basically because I'm an otaku and I liked the idea of meeting my favorite comic book character. If you're into lovey dovey and happy endings, this one is for you. A little bit predictable, got some actions on the sidelines, terribly good looking main actor with kissable lips (his lips are pretty, I just don't get it) and not so dramatic which is good. The hero is my sister's number one man so... (I'm not into him, he's just not my type) she loved this one very much. I like the soundtrack of the drama though. :D

Descendants of The Sun. Where do I begin with this one. 


This gave me butterflies in the stomach. I wish I was that in love. This is something you want to ask your girlfriend to watch with you not because you want to watch it but to win her over and trust me you will. Most girls I know love this to bits. I would love to have my own Yoo Si Jin if I can. A soldier and a doctor met and fell in love. Gila pendek aku punya synopsis but you have to watch it to know how good it is. No wonder it's so famous when it was airing. It has high ratings and I heard boys watch it too? It has its funny bits, ridiculously romantic scenes, some actions and suspense too. I enjoyed it very much and hence tak jadi delete.... *sigh

This one is a movie I recently watched. The Throne or in Korean it's Sado. Memang hati kena sado sungguh bila tengok cita ni.


I downloaded it because it's Yoo Ah In. ==''  It's about a king who imprisoned his son in a rice chest and that's just what I knew in the beginning. I love this one. It made me cry (a bit only k cuz I'm tough liddat). It's not a love story (sampai bila nak tgk love story ja weh? grow up people), it's more on the relationship between a father and a son. It's very sad... and unfortunately whatever it depicts in here is very true. There's a scene where this kid was confronted by the king and he defended his father by saying, "That day, I saw my father's heart". That scene touched my heart so much  :'(


That's all that I remembered at the time being. My memory is really bad you see and I'm feeling pretty sleepy right now. I'm going to bed now. I'll write something more meaningful next time. I don't feel like pouring my heart out tonight.

May peace be upon you. :)

Sunday, 16 October 2016

I.

Feel so alone in this world.
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